Okay, so this is what's currently eating my brain. While the Dawn segment was purely written as a means of me getting some personal junk out of my system I realised I was being overly mean to Buffy. She didn't deserve that.

So here's her side of things.

Title: Walk Away
Author: Shona
Rating: This part's more of the PG-13, it disturbs me and I'm a child at heart...
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Still just playin' in this sandbox.
Notes: Yeah, so this was never meant to be a multi-parter... The little quotes in italics before the story are from the Lennon song "Asking You", in case you wondered!
Previous Part: here

I look at myself as others see myself
And I don't understand how this is myself




“Ooo! There’s the show I wanted to see! Gotta go – we’ll talk soon!” She hung up quickly, hating herself for lying and not wanting to hear the hurt in Dawn’s voice. It was something she was hearing more and more these days and it broke her heart to know she was the cause.

Still, after tonight, that would all end. She would never again cause her sister that kind of pain. That much she was sure of.

Her hand still resting on the bakelite receiver, Buffy took a shaky breath. It was better that Dawn think she didn’t care, that she was shutting her sister out of her life little by little, that she was again becoming the cold hearted bitch she knew she’d been before. If Dawn knew the truth she would come running to try to help – they all would – and that would get them killed. That was why Buffy couldn’t tell anyone just what it was she was really doing in Rome, just how far up the proverbial creek she’d gotten with no oars in sight.

Part of her wanted to not care that she might lose them, that same part of her knew that she desperately needed help, but she refused to listen. She honestly couldn’t see a way out of the situation, truth was she couldn’t really see how she’d gotten into it in the first place. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time – infiltrate the roman underworld so that she would be better placed to tear it down. Only problem was that the roman underworld was so much… seedier than she’d ever thought possible. She’d had to do things she wasn’t proud of just to stay alive and tonight was no exception.

A noise behind her dragged her attention back to the here and now. He was clicking his fingers at her, beckoning her to him like she was some kind of slave. The bile in her throat threatened to choke her as she forcibly stopped herself from tearing his head off, doing that might make her happy for now but it wouldn’t solve anything in the long run. She considered the fact that she hadn’t killed him outright to be a sign of just how much she’d grown.

She pasted a simpering smile on her face, he never seemed to notice it didn’t reach her eyes. Why would he? He was so used to getting whatever – or whoever – he wanted that the concept of anyone not following his every whim was completely alien to him.

As she walked toward him she caught sight of herself in one of the many full-length mirrors dotted around the apartment and fought hard to suppress the shudder as she realized she barely recognised herself. Dressed – if that was the word – in a micro miniskirt (leather, of course) which would make even Faith blush and a backless halter top which emphasized assets she hadn’t even realized she had. She tottered onwards in heels designed by someone – or some thing - who obviously hated women. All in all, she looked like a low-rent hooker. And wasn’t that just an apt description? After all, she was whoring herself out to the Immortal so that she could get close enough to do what needed to be done.

No, it was better that Dawn hate her than see her like this.

He opened the door and motioned for her to go through first. As she moved past him he reached out and trailed a cold hand down her back. Again forcing herself not to grab his arm and throw him as far away from her as possible, she turned her smile towards him and submitted to the fondling.

She coped by reminding herself that tonight she would at least be able to see the expression on his face when he realized that she was responsible for his impending death. It almost made up for the fact that she knew she couldn’t escape that same fate. She didn’t want to die, but who did? It would be worth it, she’d be striking a blow the underworld could never recover from.

She just wished she could have told Dawn she loved her one final time.