I just said goodbye to my dad.

I told him I love him.

That I miss him.

I thanked him for everything he taught me to be.

And I drank the last of his Drambuie in his honour.

Dad? I miss you. Every day of my life, I miss you. I love you for what you taught me. For the questions you encouraged me to ask. For the answers you encouraged me to find. For being you.

I've never really grieved for you.

I do now.



my father died in 1993, I needed to say goodbye.

I just said goodbye to my dad.

I told him I love him.

That I miss him.

I thanked him for everything he taught me to be.

And I drank the last of his Drambuie in his honour.

Dad? I miss you. Every day of my life, I miss you. I love you for what you taught me. For the questions you encouraged me to ask. For the answers you encouraged me to find. For being you.

I've never really grieved for you.

I do now.



my father died in 1993, I needed to say goodbye.

There are days when I think all I wear is a mask. So that no one can ever get close enough to see the real me. I talk to my friends and I censor what I say because part of me thinks they won't be my friends if I disagree with them. I talk to my family and I put on the mask so that they can't see how much they hurt me. I talk to the guy on the checkout at the supermarket and I put on the mask because I remember what it was like in customer service when no one spoke to you, when you were nothing to them.So I laugh, I joke, I acknowledge you and then I forget your name - if I ever knew it - ten seconds after you give me the receipt. I come into work and I put on the mask that tells the world that I know what I'm talking about.

When do I get to be me? Who am I? I'm scared that I'm so used to these masks that they're all I am now. That there's no point hiding the real me because there is no real me left to hide.

Wow. That was maudlin.

Is it obvious that my therapy session was cancelled again last week?

There are days when I think all I wear is a mask. So that no one can ever get close enough to see the real me. I talk to my friends and I censor what I say because part of me thinks they won't be my friends if I disagree with them. I talk to my family and I put on the mask so that they can't see how much they hurt me. I talk to the guy on the checkout at the supermarket and I put on the mask because I remember what it was like in customer service when no one spoke to you, when you were nothing to them.So I laugh, I joke, I acknowledge you and then I forget your name - if I ever knew it - ten seconds after you give me the receipt. I come into work and I put on the mask that tells the world that I know what I'm talking about.

When do I get to be me? Who am I? I'm scared that I'm so used to these masks that they're all I am now. That there's no point hiding the real me because there is no real me left to hide.

Wow. That was maudlin.

Is it obvious that my therapy session was cancelled again last week?

Not sure how I feel right now. Today was my second appointment with the therapist. I wasn't looking forward to it, I was going through thte whole mental process of psyching myself up to go. I didn't want to go, I wanted phone and cancel, this is the same as last time - hell, even when I was in the car park last time I was thinking "maybe I should just drive out again." Getting into the room is hard, it takes so much psyching myself up to do it.

I really didn't want to go today, but I was going, except... the therapist has called in sick so my appointment is cancelled.

I'm really not sure how I feel about that.

It has resulted in me having a completely free day however, I had already phoned into work to take the afternoon off when the hospital called. So.. nothing to do and lots of time to do it...

Not sure how I feel right now. Today was my second appointment with the therapist. I wasn't looking forward to it, I was going through thte whole mental process of psyching myself up to go. I didn't want to go, I wanted phone and cancel, this is the same as last time - hell, even when I was in the car park last time I was thinking "maybe I should just drive out again." Getting into the room is hard, it takes so much psyching myself up to do it.

I really didn't want to go today, but I was going, except... the therapist has called in sick so my appointment is cancelled.

I'm really not sure how I feel about that.

It has resulted in me having a completely free day however, I had already phoned into work to take the afternoon off when the hospital called. So.. nothing to do and lots of time to do it...

So my TV is fixed, and my heating is fixed, I'm in the process of being fixed. Life is looking good.

And you know something? Today I'm wearing not the most flattering clothes - brown combat trousers, a blue 'urban chicks' skater top, sketchers trainers and not a scrap of makeup or product in my hair - and yet the techie guy who came to fix my Sky TV left me his personal number.

*grins wildly*

Yeah, there was flirting going on there but it was the kind of flirting I used to do when I worked in customer service - harmless stuff to get the customer smiling. It was only when he left me his number and said four times (with meaningful looks) to "call me any time" that it slowly dawned on me that it was more than meaningless.

I won't be calling him, to be honest he's not my type (too blond and too fond of swearing and making crude jokes (which if you know how much I swear and make crude jokes is just bizarre that it's a turn off)) but my god that just lifted my mood incredibly!

Still really behind on everything - catching up slowly, I'm collating email addresses for the WKA emails right now - I really should stop randomly deleting files from my computer - I had most of these saved in an Excel spreadsheet of all things after the last two rounds but deleted it . So yeah, that's the plan, getting caught up with the sites. And changing the layout here. I like my banner, I'm losing the love for the Boxer layout (the adapted version I was using for a while didn't support tags and the *fixed* old version just doesn't look as good anymore) any suggestions?

ETA I think I like this new layout, and hey, my random quotage is back! *g*
( cut, just because )

So my TV is fixed, and my heating is fixed, I'm in the process of being fixed. Life is looking good.

And you know something? Today I'm wearing not the most flattering clothes - brown combat trousers, a blue 'urban chicks' skater top, sketchers trainers and not a scrap of makeup or product in my hair - and yet the techie guy who came to fix my Sky TV left me his personal number.

*grins wildly*

Yeah, there was flirting going on there but it was the kind of flirting I used to do when I worked in customer service - harmless stuff to get the customer smiling. It was only when he left me his number and said four times (with meaningful looks) to "call me any time" that it slowly dawned on me that it was more than meaningless.

I won't be calling him, to be honest he's not my type (too blond and too fond of swearing and making crude jokes (which if you know how much I swear and make crude jokes is just bizarre that it's a turn off)) but my god that just lifted my mood incredibly!

Still really behind on everything - catching up slowly, I'm collating email addresses for the WKA emails right now - I really should stop randomly deleting files from my computer - I had most of these saved in an Excel spreadsheet of all things after the last two rounds but deleted it . So yeah, that's the plan, getting caught up with the sites. And changing the layout here. I like my banner, I'm losing the love for the Boxer layout (the adapted version I was using for a while didn't support tags and the *fixed* old version just doesn't look as good anymore) any suggestions?

ETA I think I like this new layout, and hey, my random quotage is back! *g*
( cut, just because )

I have no confidence in myself right now so I'm hoping someone won't mind taking a look at something for me... It's the new layout for Effects of a Troubled Heart - it's not on the site yet, if you're interested in taking a look and telling me everyone's sick of that picture, *g*, email me please? shona[at]moments-lost.co.uk

Ta!

( Now - memes which show how screwed up I really am.... )

ETA What's that crappy 80s pseudo-dance thingy that has some castrated guy screeching out "I feel lo-o-o-ove, I feel lo-o-o-ove..."? 'Cause I'm currently hearing that at loud volume coming through my living room wall. My neighbour is so gay. </sarcasm> *headdesk* second edit - okay, now it's dance crap. Have I mentioned lately that I hate dance crap? So Dale, the higher you turn that volume up, the higher my TV volume will go up. And guess what? I got no problem with listening to DS9 at an insanely high volume... At least now I know what all the drilling and hammering that's been going on has been about - apparently there's a new nightclub through the wall from me... (I'm kidding, it's just my 40-something recently-single male neighbour trying to reclaim his youth by buying a stupid sized sound system for his house...)

I have no confidence in myself right now so I'm hoping someone won't mind taking a look at something for me... It's the new layout for Effects of a Troubled Heart - it's not on the site yet, if you're interested in taking a look and telling me everyone's sick of that picture, *g*, email me please? shona[at]moments-lost.co.uk

Ta!

( Now - memes which show how screwed up I really am.... )

ETA What's that crappy 80s pseudo-dance thingy that has some castrated guy screeching out "I feel lo-o-o-ove, I feel lo-o-o-ove..."? 'Cause I'm currently hearing that at loud volume coming through my living room wall. My neighbour is so gay. </sarcasm> *headdesk* second edit - okay, now it's dance crap. Have I mentioned lately that I hate dance crap? So Dale, the higher you turn that volume up, the higher my TV volume will go up. And guess what? I got no problem with listening to DS9 at an insanely high volume... At least now I know what all the drilling and hammering that's been going on has been about - apparently there's a new nightclub through the wall from me... (I'm kidding, it's just my 40-something recently-single male neighbour trying to reclaim his youth by buying a stupid sized sound system for his house...)

slightly better day today, still headachey, still not 100% but I am better.

I completely forgot until I was driving home that I was babysitting last night, I was supposed to watch my nephew and neice for an hour or so while my sister went to look at a flat that's just come up for sale. I can't remember if I ever said or not, but she's pregnant again. The baby's due in December and when he's born (it's a boy, according to the scans) she will have three children ranging from three years old to newborn in a two bedroom flat so she's looking for a bigger place at the moment.

Anyways, when I got to her house it transpired that my nephew wanted to see the new house as well so I ended up only sitting for my neice. She's... (scrambling to work it out in my head now...) 18 months? Something like that. She's walking and she's on the verge of talking - she talks, just not in actual words yet (apart from buh-bye! that is).

My neice is a strange one, she's a little minx most of the time and she will actively push the limits to see how much she can get away with. She runs her dad ragged all the time which I have to say is absolutely hilarious (yeah, I kinda hate him) and she can be a bit funny around me - this weekend she wouldn't come near me at all. Last night was the first time I've spent any length of time with just her. She made me laugh.

I don't know if she picked up on the fact I was down, because I'm damn sure I was hiding it from my sister and my nephew, but somehow my neice just knew how to make me smile and laugh. Although part of that might have been the sight of Red Dwarf's Cat on a kid's TV show telling stories to puppets... I kid you not. A BBC show called "Storytellers" (which is incidentally set in a library of all things!) and up popped Danny John Jules. My neice loved the fact I got a kick out that!

Random topic shift, I'm taking a half day today to get some things I actually want to do done. I might end up with icons, or a new chapter of Off Course, or I might move the furniture around to make my bedroom a bedroom again instead of the cross between a bedroom, study, linen cupboard, library, junk room that it currently is.

Oh, and I want a new mood theme. Any suggestions? (I could probably make one, I've never really tried)

ETA I bow to acrazywench's superior knowledge. It's Storymakers not Storytellers. But it was definitely the Cat!

slightly better day today, still headachey, still not 100% but I am better.

I completely forgot until I was driving home that I was babysitting last night, I was supposed to watch my nephew and neice for an hour or so while my sister went to look at a flat that's just come up for sale. I can't remember if I ever said or not, but she's pregnant again. The baby's due in December and when he's born (it's a boy, according to the scans) she will have three children ranging from three years old to newborn in a two bedroom flat so she's looking for a bigger place at the moment.

Anyways, when I got to her house it transpired that my nephew wanted to see the new house as well so I ended up only sitting for my neice. She's... (scrambling to work it out in my head now...) 18 months? Something like that. She's walking and she's on the verge of talking - she talks, just not in actual words yet (apart from buh-bye! that is).

My neice is a strange one, she's a little minx most of the time and she will actively push the limits to see how much she can get away with. She runs her dad ragged all the time which I have to say is absolutely hilarious (yeah, I kinda hate him) and she can be a bit funny around me - this weekend she wouldn't come near me at all. Last night was the first time I've spent any length of time with just her. She made me laugh.

I don't know if she picked up on the fact I was down, because I'm damn sure I was hiding it from my sister and my nephew, but somehow my neice just knew how to make me smile and laugh. Although part of that might have been the sight of Red Dwarf's Cat on a kid's TV show telling stories to puppets... I kid you not. A BBC show called "Storytellers" (which is incidentally set in a library of all things!) and up popped Danny John Jules. My neice loved the fact I got a kick out that!

Random topic shift, I'm taking a half day today to get some things I actually want to do done. I might end up with icons, or a new chapter of Off Course, or I might move the furniture around to make my bedroom a bedroom again instead of the cross between a bedroom, study, linen cupboard, library, junk room that it currently is.

Oh, and I want a new mood theme. Any suggestions? (I could probably make one, I've never really tried)

ETA I bow to acrazywench's superior knowledge. It's Storymakers not Storytellers. But it was definitely the Cat!

So alcohol and depression are two non-mixy things. No more red wine for me, not for a while anyway.

I was feeling really low on Friday, all through the day to be honest, and then in the evening I got caught in a self-deprecation loop. Everything anyone said to me became incredibly personal and I just retreated. It all kind of came to a head, and despite knowing that the best thing to do would be to sleep I didn't. I was online, I was chatting to people, I was speaking on the phone. I broke.

I'm better today, mostly because when I got up yesterday morning I decided to go for some retail therapy. Things are changing a little at work and I think it's time I started making a better impression in there. So no more ratty jeans and trainers, well, not every day anyway! I got a really cute blouse which I almost didn't get - it has flowers on it! Me? In something floral?! It's dark green with embroidery on it and is really cute, but still somehow me as well. Odd.

And I bought a dress.

I may take the dress back to the shop.

*g*

I've been having clothing dilemmas about what to wear to the Serenity premiere. It's being billed as a 'gala' premiere and I've never been to one of those before, and the thing is I have really cool evening wear (I actually have two dresses which are just gorgeous and that I've never had occassion to wear - one is white gold slink, the other is a black slip dress with a dark blue glitzy over-dress thing with a Mandarin collar) Both of them are ankle length and very glam. Too glam I think. I don't really have anything in between though - I have the over the top glam of those, and I have the clothes I plan to start wearing to work, and I have the ratty jeans and trainers. So I bought a dress which is a rich dark brown with lace detail all over it, knee-length, handkerchief hem. Really nice. But. I have excema on my legs which is ugly as hell. It's worse at the moment because it's kinda stress-related and as most of you know my stress levels are kinda high right now. So I wear trousers or really long skirts or (like today) just over the knee skirts with high boots to hide it. I have a pair of brown boots that I thought might work with the dress, but they don't. The colour's completely wrong (the boots are a lighter brown, almost an orange really and clash horribly with the dress) So I'm looking for clothing advice. Any suggestions? What does one wear to a 'gala premiere'?

Random topic switch, I always listen to Michael Parkinson's Sunday Supplement on Radio 2. It runs from 11 to 1 and despite his belief that Sinatra is the best talent ever (Matt Monroe is so a better singer!) Parky does a damn good show. Today he was talking about Lost, and despite his comments about possible Reality TV influences, he seems really hyped about it. And then he played a brand new song by Jamie Cullum. I love Jamie, he's got an amazing talent and he's a really funny genuine guy. I was worried that the third album would be weak, that it would pander to expectations. Going on this one song? It doesn't. It was incredible. Just wonderful stuff - I've never the song before but I was singing along to the radio, it was just wonderful. And then Parky followed it with a really good new singer called Amy Smith who has a song called 105 Feet High (or it might be 105 Feet Tall, it was a couple of hours ago I heard it) and then he played James Blunt. No Bravery. And said it was his current favourite song. Parky's at least in his 70s, he is a fan of jazz standards and the occaisional slightly odd seventies funk bands - for him to play three songs back to back which touched me so deeply? Made me smile, made my day. Even though No Bravery is a 'down' song, in that it's about James Blunt's experiences as a soldier in Kosovo, it's an angry song at the state of the world, but it's beautiful. And in it's own way it's uplifting.

And speaking of uplifting songs, thank you engelsteorra for ramming Willy Mason's 'Oxygen' into my eardrums. It's... incredible.

Okay - I'm rambling now, thank you all for your kindness on Friday, and thank you iyalode for making my day earlier! (I've been kinda doubting my writing lately, so to get a new review? You couldn't have timed it better!)

So alcohol and depression are two non-mixy things. No more red wine for me, not for a while anyway.

I was feeling really low on Friday, all through the day to be honest, and then in the evening I got caught in a self-deprecation loop. Everything anyone said to me became incredibly personal and I just retreated. It all kind of came to a head, and despite knowing that the best thing to do would be to sleep I didn't. I was online, I was chatting to people, I was speaking on the phone. I broke.

I'm better today, mostly because when I got up yesterday morning I decided to go for some retail therapy. Things are changing a little at work and I think it's time I started making a better impression in there. So no more ratty jeans and trainers, well, not every day anyway! I got a really cute blouse which I almost didn't get - it has flowers on it! Me? In something floral?! It's dark green with embroidery on it and is really cute, but still somehow me as well. Odd.

And I bought a dress.

I may take the dress back to the shop.

*g*

I've been having clothing dilemmas about what to wear to the Serenity premiere. It's being billed as a 'gala' premiere and I've never been to one of those before, and the thing is I have really cool evening wear (I actually have two dresses which are just gorgeous and that I've never had occassion to wear - one is white gold slink, the other is a black slip dress with a dark blue glitzy over-dress thing with a Mandarin collar) Both of them are ankle length and very glam. Too glam I think. I don't really have anything in between though - I have the over the top glam of those, and I have the clothes I plan to start wearing to work, and I have the ratty jeans and trainers. So I bought a dress which is a rich dark brown with lace detail all over it, knee-length, handkerchief hem. Really nice. But. I have excema on my legs which is ugly as hell. It's worse at the moment because it's kinda stress-related and as most of you know my stress levels are kinda high right now. So I wear trousers or really long skirts or (like today) just over the knee skirts with high boots to hide it. I have a pair of brown boots that I thought might work with the dress, but they don't. The colour's completely wrong (the boots are a lighter brown, almost an orange really and clash horribly with the dress) So I'm looking for clothing advice. Any suggestions? What does one wear to a 'gala premiere'?

Random topic switch, I always listen to Michael Parkinson's Sunday Supplement on Radio 2. It runs from 11 to 1 and despite his belief that Sinatra is the best talent ever (Matt Monroe is so a better singer!) Parky does a damn good show. Today he was talking about Lost, and despite his comments about possible Reality TV influences, he seems really hyped about it. And then he played a brand new song by Jamie Cullum. I love Jamie, he's got an amazing talent and he's a really funny genuine guy. I was worried that the third album would be weak, that it would pander to expectations. Going on this one song? It doesn't. It was incredible. Just wonderful stuff - I've never the song before but I was singing along to the radio, it was just wonderful. And then Parky followed it with a really good new singer called Amy Smith who has a song called 105 Feet High (or it might be 105 Feet Tall, it was a couple of hours ago I heard it) and then he played James Blunt. No Bravery. And said it was his current favourite song. Parky's at least in his 70s, he is a fan of jazz standards and the occaisional slightly odd seventies funk bands - for him to play three songs back to back which touched me so deeply? Made me smile, made my day. Even though No Bravery is a 'down' song, in that it's about James Blunt's experiences as a soldier in Kosovo, it's an angry song at the state of the world, but it's beautiful. And in it's own way it's uplifting.

And speaking of uplifting songs, thank you engelsteorra for ramming Willy Mason's 'Oxygen' into my eardrums. It's... incredible.

Okay - I'm rambling now, thank you all for your kindness on Friday, and thank you iyalode for making my day earlier! (I've been kinda doubting my writing lately, so to get a new review? You couldn't have timed it better!)

So um... I'm going to be taking a little break from things I think. My head's full of broken toys and I need to get some stuff sorted out. Any communities and the like I'm part of, iconing, rpging and so on, I'll still be taking an active role in those, but everything else is pretty much on hold until I get things straight again.

I may or may not have fic updates done in the meantime, depends on how things go. Sorry if you're waiting for something specific from me, it'll come, just maybe not yet.

So um... I'm going to be taking a little break from things I think. My head's full of broken toys and I need to get some stuff sorted out. Any communities and the like I'm part of, iconing, rpging and so on, I'll still be taking an active role in those, but everything else is pretty much on hold until I get things straight again.

I may or may not have fic updates done in the meantime, depends on how things go. Sorry if you're waiting for something specific from me, it'll come, just maybe not yet.

Feeling better this morning, just in case you wanted to know. Still down, still headachey, but I am much more positive than I was yesterday.

Nostalgia is quite often a bad thing in my case.

Feeling better this morning, just in case you wanted to know. Still down, still headachey, but I am much more positive than I was yesterday.

Nostalgia is quite often a bad thing in my case.